My grandfather used to say to me, ‘When you grow up, become an undertaker or a hairdresser and you’ll never be out of work’. Under Covid 19, I’m sad to say that undertakers have even outdone the hairdressers.
Cut to many decades later and I was helping at a friend’s funeral when one of the guests asked me if I’d ever considered being a Celebrant. I didn’t have a clue what he was talking about so decided to investigate further and it led me to undergo some professional training.
Over the past two years I have written, produced and managed nearly one hundred funerals at more than forty different crematoria.
My role involves meeting with grieving families and assisting them at a very difficult time to put together a very personal ceremony and eulogy totally focused on the life of the loved one who has died.
The recent pandemic has highlighted, possibly more than at any other time in our history, the need we have as humans to come together and support one another in a time of sadness and grief. Stories of family members having to remain separated at the time of a loved one’s passing has been heartbreaking for many. When it then comes to planning their funeral and being told only a dozen or so mourners can attend – the isolation can be overwhelming.
As part of planning a funeral, I help families choose any music, readings or poems, decide how and in what order they will enter the chapel, who might speak during the ceremony and whether to close the curtains or leave them open at the end. It can be a sensitive conversation when people are at their most vulnerable.
What has become evident to me in my role as a Celebrant, is the added trauma that can be experienced by a family when they don’t know what their loved one would have wanted for their funeral. Everyone assumes that when they have written a Will, they have completed everything ready for their demise. It’s also common practice for everyone to brush aside the suggestion that they should record what they want – a feeling that if they dare do it, they will tempt fate and hasten their own death.
In those families I have worked with where their family member has written down their wishes, there is a huge sense of calm when it comes to arranging the funeral. There is less stress. It stops family arguments when everyone involved is already trying to cope with their own grief and worried about what the deceased might or might not have wanted.
Funeral ceremonies are changing. If you have strong religious beliefs, it is likely you will want to hold a service in a church or other religious venue but, if not, the ceremony most often now takes place in a crematorium. Crematoria have to run to a very strict timetable and bookings normally have to be completed in half an hour. This means the actual ceremony has to be tightly managed to twenty minutes and some families who are unaware of this or who don’t know how to manage this choose to rely on a Celebrant to help them put together a memorable service for their loved one.
The critical part to understand is that there are no rules. Once the doors of the crematorium chapel close, the space and the time are for your family to use as you wish. I have created services where the deceased has received a final toast with champagne, where three cheers have been called, a coffin that was covered in soft toys, a chapel that resounded to the chant of Arsenal football supporters. On the coffins have stood a model of a Land Rover, a fishing hat, 1950s football boots, a packet of cigarettes and bottle of Scotch, a knitting bag with unfinished knitting.
The eulogies I write are not just a list of dates or achievements but deeply personal memories that bring a person’s story ‘back to life’ again for those few short moments before they make their final journey. Life, when you break it down, is just that: a host of memories of special moments. A creative, well put together funeral should honour all the big and little things that make us who we are and how we would ultimately like to be remembered.
by Bob Noble, The Civil Celebrant, Shepperton